BEREAVEMENT COLUMN

When anguish threatens well-being

By TRACY RENEE LEE

Grief and loss can be overwhelming. The pain, sadness, and loneliness that come with them can make it difficult to think clearly, feel well, enjoy usual activities, and move forward. There are, however, things you can do to help yourself heal and take your mind off of the pain. A few suggestions would be to take an ibuprofen, start a project, or help someone else out.
Stress links the emotional and physical aspects of grief.
The systems in the body that process physical and emotional stress overlap, and emotional stress can activate the nervous system as easily as physical threats can.
When stress becomes chronic, increased adrenaline and blood pressure can contribute to chronic medical conditions.
Research shows that emotional pain and physical pain activate the same regions of the brain.
Indications are that this link allows pain-relieving medication, such as acetaminophen, to ease emotional pain.
Two weeks ago, I suggested to an acquaintance of mine that he take ibuprofen to relieve the pain he was suffering after the recent loss of his wife. The emotional pain was linking up with physical pain, and between the two, he needed relief. Since emotional pain and physical pain activate the same regions of the brain, acetaminophen or ibuprofen should work to help relieve both issues. He took the medication and felt much better. (This is not presented as medical advice, merely an example of what worked for my friend.)
The following week, my acquaintance notified me that he had suffered a terrible week of emotional anguish. In cleaning his home, he happened upon a box of photos of his wife that he had never seen before, and the pain of her death crushed him all over again. He felt badly that he had never before seen the photos to tell her how beautiful she was in them and regret overwhelmed him.
I suggested to him that he use the photos for something wonderful rather than lament over them, or hide them away. The discovery of these photos could be used to decorate his home or possibly used as Christmas cards for her siblings, nieces, and nephews. As he had never before seen the photos, the probability that others hadn’t seen them either was high. Sharing them would bring joy to the rest of her family, and the photos could be used for remembering her during holiday celebrations.

PICTURES

Once a loved one has been lost, pictures of the decedent become very important.
Photos preserve memories and remind survivors of the special relationship shared with the deceased.
They help alleviate the survivor’s fear of forgetting and allow him/her to adapt their thoughts of the decedent into memories.
A very kind gesture upon the death of a loved one is to scan pictures of which you might be in possession and offer them to the survivors.
My final suggestion to him was that he begin a service project, or engage in a hobby or talent. He felt that he was not ready to engage with others, so service seemed to be off the table for a while. He was, however, open to working on a hobby or talent. After some thought, he narrowed it down to a talent/project.
A project can be anything that helps you to express your grief and focus on something else. It can be something practical, like creating a memorial for a loved one or volunteering your time and efforts (in their memory) to a good cause. Or it can be something creative, like writing a song or poem, painting a picture, or crafting something special. My acquaintance decided that it would be a good time to clear out some of his storage items (the project) so that he could get to his drum set (the talent.)
Taking on a project can provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment. It can help you to grapple with your grief in a productive way and provide a healthy distraction from the pain. It can also be a way to honor the memory of your loved one, as you are using their passing as a motivation to do something meaningful.
After clearing out his clutter, my acquaintance found his drum set and moved it back into his home. He has begun practicing his talent and sharing it with others. He reports back to me that clearing out his storage building has helped him feel as though he has done something constructive, and that practicing his drums has helped him feel great relief.

HOBBIES

Hobbies occupy the mind and hands.
They engage our brains and keep them in good health.
Hobbies create a sense of accomplishment.
They propel us toward a healthier and happier grief recovery. (Mourning Lights, 2022)
A hobby or talent can help by giving you a place to focus your thoughts and energies rather than being occupied 24 hours each day with sorrow and anguish. It is; however, important to remember that grief is a process and there is no set timeline for healing. You should never feel pressured to complete a project or to move on quickly. Take your time and focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or need help getting started, reach out to a counselor or therapist for support. They can help you create an action plan for your project and provide guidance and resources.
Grief is a difficult thing to go through, but a project can help you cope with the pain and find meaning in the midst of it. So, don’t be afraid to get started, and take recovery one step at a time..

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” on Spotify and follow me on Instagram at “Deadline_TracyLee.”