BEREAVEMENT COLUMN

First things first

By TRACY RENEE LEE

My brother recently lost his wife to breast cancer. I spoke with him about a few things last night. I told him that he might begin to experience frustration or be impatient toward others because his needs during recovery will linger for quite some time. Friends and family will grow weary of his pain and think that he should get over his loss. They may become less tolerant and impatient for him to return to his normal jovial self. The fact of the matter is that he was married to his wife for a very long time. His identity changed from that of a single man to that of a married man who loved and cherished his wife deeply. Everything about his life revolved and centered on the woman he loved. Now the center of his life, his wife, is missing. All that remains is her grave and the precious memories that break his heart, and leave him lonely and sad.
He lives in a very small town where there are no activities of distraction or opportunities for socialization. There are things that will help my brother through his recovery, and he has already accomplished the first two. The first task and first key for recovery are as follows.

ACCEPT REALITY

The first task of grieving is to accept the reality that your loved one is dead, that they are gone, and that they will not return.
The first key is recovery is to DECIDE TO RECOVER.
My brother is well beyond these first stages. He now suffers the aftermath of them. He realizes that his life has changed and he must adjust to these changes, and he is very motivated to end his suffering. He just isn’t capable of changing with the snap of his finger. No one is.
He is focused on trying to nullify his pain. He is open to forming new attachments but he finds that his love for his wife interferes.

LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.
Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.
Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.
With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.
Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.
This behavior is more common among the elderly.
My brother lives very close to the cemetery where his wife is buried. He visits her grave multiple times daily. This is a good practice for him because it has propelled him past the realization that she is gone. He has definitely accepted that she has passed away. This realization clears the pathway for him to move forward.
He has had her monument placed and on it is a piano keyboard. This is significant because he has memorialized her talent and love of music. He has temporarily suspended his jam sessions because it is too painful for him presently; however, as we were speaking last night, I told him that eventually, her music will bring him memories of joy.
He is progressing through the stages of grief recovery, albeit painful for him, in a timely and positive manner. I am watching him and trying to help him, but as I see the pain he suffers it inflicts pain within my soul for him. He will recover. He is surrounded by family who love and care for him. It just takes time; painstakingly painful time.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” on Spotify and follow me on Instagram at “Deadline_TracyLee.”