BEREAVEMENT COLUMN

Motivational insults and guy humor

By TRACY RENEE LEE

My brother recently lost his wife and, immediately following her death, had to prepare for emergent open heart surgery. My brother lives alone.
Recovery from open heart surgery requires a caregiver; someone to dispense medicines correctly while the patient is on narcotic prescriptions, to prepare, serve, and clean up after meals, and someone to tidy up the house, grocery shop, do the laundry, and sustain the life of the patient during convalescence. For my brother, that person is me.
My husband and my brother have always been great friends. When it came time for someone to take my brother to the hospital, my husband was the obvious person for the job. My husband is a retired US Navy Hovercraft Pilot with unwavering bravery and nerves of steel. He charts his course and remains loyal to it until success has been obtained.
My husband received a phone call from a hospital in Georgia the evening before my brother’s surgery. His brother had been admitted into the hospital on the east coast for severe conditions. Because of my husband’s dedication and loyalty to my brother, he would not leave his commitment to stay with him as he underwent his risky surgery. He felt that doing so would cause too much stress to my brother and could risk his success. My husband would not leave for Georgia until my brother was safely released from the hospital and brought to our home for recovery.
My husband woke up early on the morning of my brother’s surgery, drove to my brother’s home in Louisiana, and then to the hospital.
The surgeon began his procedures and then realized that my brother’s heart problems were far more advanced than the test results and screenings had indicated. My brother was transferred and admitted into the Cardiac Care Unit for extensive preparations and additional surgeries.
About a week later, my brother was released from the hospital and came to our home for recovery.
As soon as my brother was home with me, my husband jumped in our car and drove straight to his brother’s bedside in a Georgia hospital. They had a concise yet wonderful visit. As his brother tired, and as soon as my husband left his side, his brother suffered a catastrophic stroke.
The death of my husband’s brother meant that I had two men grieving significant losses in my home. My brother was under his doctor’s orders not to grieve, but seeing my husband, his friend and brother-in-law suffering, made it nearly impossible for him not to feel compassion linking it to his own pain. This overlapping of loss mixed with surgery brought the realities of compromised health and the life-threatening realities of grief within my home very difficult to manage.
Things were going from bad to worse and were nearing catastrophic consequences for my husband. Realizing that he was no longer in control of his health and that he could not suppress the effects of grief by sheer will, he realized that he had to accept his pain rather than ignore or suppress it.
We have had a breakthrough in our home this week. My husband and brother have supported and pushed each other beyond what they thought possible by relying upon and challenging each other emotionally, spiritually, physically, and psychologically. Their friendship and trust in God allowed them to gain control over the elements of healing. They have pushed each other to recover and realized their inner strengths through “Guy Humor” and “motivational insults.”
A grief partner may very well be someone with past recovery experience who will share a road map of success with you, but there are other souls of mercy too. My brother and my husband were willing to suspend and sacrifice their own pain and suffering, to preserve the life and well-being of his friend. Their love for each other overrode their inward focus on pain and loss and projected concern and care toward saving the other. In short, service refined their healing powers.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” on Spotify and follow me on Instagram at “Deadline_TracyLee.”