The struggle

It was the third row from the front, left-hand side, sitting beside my grandmother when I first felt the tug of the Holy Spirit on my heart. I was terrified at the enormous number of butterflies fluttering inside my 8-year-old self. With the closing song still echoing in my head, I climbed into the backseat of the family car and begged God to give me one more chance the following Sunday.
Again, third row from the front, on the left-hand side, sitting beside my grandmother, the Holy Spirit churned up the butterflies as the preacher gave the departing invitation. I closed my eyes and prayed for the opening of the doors. It would be the following Sunday before I would gain the courage to make my way to the altar and pray for salvation.
There have been 20,805-plus days since I made that faith walk. The Bible presented to me in 1968 sustained me through my youth, becoming a constant companion during my junior high years. However, high school became a different story, and my trusted friend often rested on the corner of my dressing table as I struggled with my faith.
Today, the Bible has a favored spot on my desk, never too far from my reach. Its inside covers are still marked with decals of faith-based slogans that were popular in my youth. Small reminders are noted within its margins – scripted in my juvenile handwriting. Thumbing through its yellowed pages, I see times when I held to the Lord, trusting Him in everything. I also recognize those times when God clung to me as I wandered from His presence. Through it all, God has led me from a butterfly-ridden little girl to where I am today.
Saint Augustine said, “Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.” I have not seen God; nonetheless, looking back, I can see the evidence of God in my life. Like many, my faith story has carried me on a journey of belief and, at times, unbelief. As I struggled with choices between right and wrong, I held to the promise that nothing could pull me from the Father’s hand or the saving grace of Jesus (John 10:28-29).
According to scripture, the human heart will always struggle between following God’s will or man’s desires. In the writings of the Apostle Paul, we learn of his constant battle between self and soul. He repeatedly spoke of wanting to do the good of God, that his spirit was willing, but his flesh was weak. Although Paul found his inner being delighted in the words of God, his mind frequently threatened to carry him from God’s will and into his own desire (Romans 7).
The conflict Paul expressed is still present with us today. We all desire good; we all fall short of good. Hopefully, we can learn that God’s grace is sufficient for each of us. The Psalmist writes that God teaches us to do His will, for His spirit is good, leading us to righteousness (Psalm 143). Perhaps now is the time to have faith and believe what we cannot see. Let us step into the teachings of our Lord, proclaiming His good works through us.
2nd Corinthians 9:8-9 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written: “He has scattered abroad His gifts to the poor; His righteousness endures forever.”

Cheryl Mixon-Cruce is Pastor of Ochlockonee Bay United Methodist Church and Sopchoppy United Methodist Church.