If I were a millionaire

I have never had an ambition to become a millionaire. I just never thought about it, and it never crossed my mind or my wallet.
I’ve got many calls from these “Fake Publishing Houses” telling me I won a hundred million dollars, and all I have to do is pay a $2,500 processing fee, and it’s all mine. I used to tell them to take the fee out of my winnings, and we’d both be winners. Of course, how can you take something out of something that doesn’t exist?
There was a friend who won a million dollars. I lost track of him for a while, and then two years later I found out he was bankrupt. I don’t know what his story was, but evidently he didn’t know how to handle $1 million.
When my friend asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars, I really didn’t know what to say. Later, I realized that dreaming about wealth is fun, but it’s also hilarious how our minds invent these grand ideas that never quite match real life.
I certainly wouldn’t buy a new truck, or get a new house, or buy any fancy clothing. None of that stuff matters to me, but I did have an idea that bounced around in my head.
If I were a millionaire, I would give The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage enough money every week to do her thrift store hopping. She hops from one thrift store to another and then to another. She can spend the whole day hopping from thrift store to thrift store, especially with her daughters. They make a wonderful team when it comes to thrift stores. There isn’t a thrift store within a 100-mile radius that does not know The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage by name.
Now, while she is hopping from thrift store to thrift store, I would go and treat myself to a box of Apple Fritters. After all, if The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage isn’t home, then she can’t see me eating an Apple Fritter and I don’t get into trouble. Oh, what a fun time that would be. And if I were a millionaire, that’s one thing I would do.
As I was thinking about this on my lazy chair with a nice hot cup of coffee, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage happened to walk by. She noticed I was smiling a lot more than I usually smile.
“So,” she said, “what’s making you smile so much this afternoon?”
I didn’t notice her come in, so I was a little surprised at this question. I just looked at her and said, “Oh, my dear, I was just thinking about a joke.”
“Yeah, and what joke were you thinking about?”
Now I was backed into a corner. I thought for a moment and then replied, “I was thinking about the joke, why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.”
Looking at me and shaking her head, she said, “Why do you tell yourself that joke 100 times a day and still laugh? We both know you weren’t thinking of that joke.”
I looked at her and finally said, “I just was thinking of what I would do if I was a millionaire.”
She sat down on the couch, looking at me, and said, “And what would you do if you were a millionaire?”
Now I was again backed into a corner.
With some hesitation, I said, “Well, the first thing I would do is to give you a large weekly allowance so you and the daughters could go hopping all of the thrift stores in the county.” Then I giggled.
“That sounds like a good idea,” she said with a broad smile on her face. “But, what would you be doing while I’m out hopping the thrift stores?”
Oh boy. I didn’t think this through far enough, I guess. If I tell her what really was on my mind, I could be in a little bit of trouble. To try to think up an alternative is very risky business.
Not able to say anything right away The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said, “You would not be thinking of getting Apple Fritters while I’m away?”
“I never thought of that,” I said very thoughtfully, “but that sounds like a very good idea.” And then I laughed at her.
“Let me understand this,” she said, “if you were a millionaire you would spend a large portion of your money on me hopping thrift stores and then on you buying Apple Fritters?”
My smile quickly evaporated from my face.
Even if I were a millionaire, I could never get away with anything with The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.
I have everything I want right now except for a box of Apple Fritters. So, if I were a millionaire, I would enjoy spending money in that direction. I don’t understand why she can have what she wants, but I, on the other side of the marriage vow, can’t have what I want?
In further thinking, I was reminded of what the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 5:10, “He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity.”
No matter how much money I might have, I will never be satisfied. My satisfaction is rooted in my relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.

Dr. James L. Snyder lives in Ocala, FL with the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. Telephone 1-352-216-3025, e-mail jamessnyder51@gmail.com, website www.jamessnyderministries.com.