Accessories you want but don’t need
By MARJ LAW
“Marj showed me how to use her UpLula, and I want one!” Lara is at the gun show on the Tallahassee Fairgrounds with her husband Mark.
“Well Lara, Joe says Master Chief Strong Thumbs would call you a ‘wuss’ if you used an UpLula and not your thumbs. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll use my thumbs. So, you don’t really need an UpLula,” Mark replies virtuously.
Lara is insistent. “If Marj can use an UpLula, then so can I. It’s too hard to push the rounds into the magazine without one.”
“Yeah, but Joe says…”
“Well,” Lara interrupts, “Marj let me shoot her guns and we used the UpLula. I’m going to get me one. And they’re only about $35. That’s not much for loading in comfort.”
Mark sighs. “I knew I shouldn’t have suggested that we go to the gun show this weekend. We’re going to end up spending money.”
Then he sees a box. “Hey Lara, look at this. It’s a laser.”
“A laser? What do you need that for?”
“A laser is super cool,” Mark assures her. “You mount it on the bottom of your gun. The laser points exactly where you plan to shoot.”
“Mark, do you really need a laser? I hear you need a special mount to put a laser on your gun!”
“No, Lara. This is the best part. My gun has a mount under the barrel. I can attach a laser to it. So, all it will take is this laser. Not needing a mount will save about $40. And I can install it myself using Red Loctite,” he adds happily.
Lara is not impressed. “My UpLula is only about $35, but your laser is running about $58. That’s quite a difference for something you don’t really need.”
But Lara can see that Mark keeps looking at the laser. “Okay,” she gives in. “Purchase the laser. But we came to the gun show to look and learn: not to buy things we don’t need.”
“You’re right,” Mark is satisfied now that he has gotten his laser. “We’ll just look from now on.”
They walk around the tables.
“Oh, look!” Lara nudges Mark. “It’s a green dot! Marj has a green dot on her Equalizer! I shot so much better with her green dot reflex sight. You know, Mark, it’s all about shooting accurately and I can defend myself much better with that green dot than I can with three white dot sights.”
“You just told me you didn’t want to purchase anything we don’t need and we don’t need a green dot sight. They’re around $230! That’s almost one third of what we spent for your handgun!”
“Yes, they’re kind of expensive,” agrees Lara. Then she gazes up at Mark and smiles her winning grin. “But I know you want me to be safe.”
“You also shot Joe’s Kimber Mako. It had a red dot reflex sight. Don’t you want the red dot?”
“No. I think the green is crisper than the red. And I shot the Equalizer better than any of the other handguns.”
Mark can’t argue with that. He scratches his head.
“You know, Lara, I shot the Kimber best of all, and it had a red dot. I like the red dot better,” he muses.
“OK. You’ll take the red dot and I’ll take the green dot,” sang Lara to the tune of Loch Lomand. “And I’ll get a bullseye before you!”
“You do notice,” begins Mark. “We’ve just spent about $500, and we only came to look!”
“Well, I know we don’t have to have the sights and the UpLula, but we really want them. We won’t spend another penny,” promises Lara.
They walk around the tables some more. Mark stops and picks up a handgun.
“Look at the grips on this gun!” he passes the gun to Lara.
“You don’t need another gun!” protests Lara.
“No, I don’t, but aren’t these grips great! I bet they’re made out of rosewood.”
“Pretty,” agrees Lara. “But I still say you don’t need another gun.”
“No,” Mark is thinking. “When we get home, I want to show you a site on Facebook. It’s a site called Exotic Grips by Esmerelda. You can get ironwood, rosewood, cocobolo, and many other special woods.”
“I bet they’re expensive, too,” warns Lara.
“They kinda are.” Mark agrees. “But imagine my gun without those ugly black polymer grips. I could put on grips even prettier than the ones on the gun I’m holding.”
“Good thing Esmerelda doesn’t have a table here then.” Lara is relieved. Who knows what exotic wood grips Mark would have found?
A vendor stops Lara. “Do you have a holster for your gun?” he asks her.
“Well, no. Not yet.”
“Then I want you to try this Elite Survival Systems holster. Put your gun in it and place it under the waistband of your pants.”
“But it doesn’t have an attachment to my belt or waistband!” she worries.
“That’s the good thing about it! The silicone bumps will keep it in your pants even when you pull out your gun! Here. I have a fake gun. We’ll put it in a holster and you put it in your pants. Now pull out the gun!”
“Wow.” Lara is surprised. “You’re right. I want a holster like that. If I tell you the make of my gun, can you tell which holster I need?”
Of course, for another $30, Lara walks away with her new holster.
Mark catches up with her. “I see you have another bag. What did you buy this time that we don’t need?”
Lara shows him her holster. “But I won’t buy another thing,” she promises.
“Good. It’s Christmastime and we really shouldn’t spend anything else.”
Lara stops beside a gun that has gold plated controls. They stand out brightly against the dark wood grips.
“Hey, Mark,” she says, then looks around. Mark is standing by a gun safe almost as tall as he is.
“Mark, we do not need a safe this big for our two guns!” she admonishes. “This one is so large, you could hide a body in it!”
“OK. We do not need one this size. Yet. But you do have to agree that we need a safe for our guns. For just $70 we can buy this one that will fit both our guns. You can unlock it by fingerprint or by key. This is a safety measure for us, for visitors and for our family. We must have a safe.”
Lara has to agree, but worries that their wallet is getting thinner and thinner. While Mark buys the gun safe, Lara continues down the aisle.
Mark catches up with her. “I see you have yet another bag,” he observes. “What did you buy this time?”
“Mark, you know I grew up in New Hampshire,” she replies. “The state motto is ‘Live Free or die.’”
“So?”
Marj Law is the former director of Keep Wakulla County Beautiful who has become an avid shooter in retirement.
